I have always been a gadget guy. My Dad was a gadget guy and until his passing, always gave us gadgets for gifts, instead of practical things. I’ve kind of continued that tradition with my kids. But what this has also done is made me want the latest tech toys before everyone has them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not out buying $10,000 3D smart flat screens. But if I could afford to…
So anyway, I remember when cell phones started coming on to the market. Yes, I’m old. I didn’t see this in a movie. I was there. Let me take you back to a time before Google, Facebook, DVDs, before everyone at this year’s Grammys except Sting and Elton. Nirvana was huge and Kristie Alley wasn’t. Ahh yes, the 90s. The early 90s, when Andre Agassi still had hair and MC Hammer still had a career. You know, Saved By The Bell days, though I was already too old to watch it. I had seen a car phone before but it was literally and old fashion rotary dial kitchen phone mounted on the console between the front seats of my friend’s parents station wagon. I’m pretty sure calls had cost more than gas. But a few years later cell phones started appearing in the movies and I had to have one. It was never a matter of practicality. Surely you’ve see the brick phone. It’s a staple of contemporary comedies when depicting this era. But Motorola came out with a series of cell phones that became known as Bag Phones. Hand held receivers like a digital phone attached with a cord to a bag containing the transceiver… in a purse size bag. Mine had a shoulder strap for easy mobility. And I used that strap proudly, as I was very mobile with my sweet new cell phone. Oh yaaaa. It was usually “roaming” or “searching”. Either way I couldn’t afford or wasn’t even able to make a call on that thing but damnit I was connected! I had important calls that could be rollin in at any time. Like from… my Mom??? “Oh now Thomas John I hope you’re not using that walkie talkie phone thing. I just know they are over charging you for long distance.”
So there I was rolling into parties with this thing strapped around my shoulder. Hell yes I did. Realize this was way before guys could pretend to get away with carrying any kind of satchel or manbag. This was before people could even be gay. No no this thing was obvious. “Hello everybody. Don’t mind this cellular telephone here. I’m just gonna hold on to it incase I get a call. I got a thing I’m waiting to hear back about. Sooo where’s the dip?” As ridiculous as this all sounds. I’m afraid I’m not kidding. This happened. More than once. For real. I did this. Me. Could you even imagine? “What is that on his…..oh god, he has his bag phone with him again. What a douche.” Of course no one really used that word much till later, but there it is. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Douche Bag Phone.
Because it was….and I am.