What does the New Year mean for you? Is it just another day on the calendar or does it mark something more significant in the timeline of your life?
I haven’t written much throughout the holidays. For the first time in my life, New Years did mean a lot to me. Not just for the holiday or event itself but for what I hoped it would be or do at this moment in my life. The reason I haven’t written is because I could not quite bring myself to collect my many scattered thoughts. I had a less than pleasant last quarter to my year. I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that my issues pale in comparison to all I have to be thankful for. Even amidst some hard pills I had to swallow and finally deal with in my personal finances, T’eez has flourished and had one of the best years we’ve had in a long time and I’m happy to have gotten through it all and to be where we are now. But this turned out to be small potatoes as my world was about to be truly rocked.
I previously blogged about the ending of a long relationship I was in. Pow, right in the teeth. Not good times. Perhaps I’ve already written too much about this, so I won’t expound. But I go on.
This was followed shortly by the loss of my Dad. Listen, I know I’m not the first person to lose a parent. Many of you have lost parents and you know what this is like. OK wait a minute, I’m sorry we didn’t lose anybody. They died. I still have a tough time saying that. My Dad is dead.
Ya, that really sucks. It’s real. Too real. No more anything. Just gone. He was sick for over a year but he did pretty well up until the very end. We knew it was coming but the end was quick. I am glad he wasn’t bed ridden or didn’t waste away on the ventilator or something but fast is fast and it’s hard to catch your breath. I thought it would all be over finally when he was gone but it really started a whole different thing. The common name for this is the “grieving period.” Yes, they have it all mapped out for you with the 5 stages and everything. Ya well fuck that. When it hits you, it’s waves of shit you can’t control and don’t like. Have you ever ventured out a little too far in the ocean surf and the waves were higher and rougher than you expected and you were no longer having fun but were at the mercy of dumb luck? Well, it’s kinda like that except those waves are your own sadness, anger, regret and confusion and they’re kicking your ass cuz your Dad just died. It’s unexpected and you don’t know what’s happening or when it’s going to end. The last thing you want to hear about is … anything. My god I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the beautiful cards and well wishes and support that many of you gave and offered. It did move me and the love you sent was received and will alway be cherished. I know how it is, you’re helpless but you want to help and so you just send it anyway you can. I’ve been there. Thank you. But man when you’re in this it’s like you’re one that’s ever felt like this so don’t pretend you know what the hell I’m feeling. It’s selfish and silly, I know. Looking back though, there is a little truth to it. It’s such a personal thing. It’s my grief and no one can go through it but me. Yeah. I got to the point that I wanted to feel it. My siblings all went through it and felt it too. The regrets made us all angry and once again friends and family wanted to comfort by offering that I was there for him and he knew I loved him etc. All true but you know what, I wanted to feel the pain of my regrets. Because I could have done more and the regrets were warrented, period. I want to live with that and not sweep it under the rug. It will teach me to do better, maybe with my Mom and also with friends and family right now. We learned not to touch a hot surface because of the pain we felt long ago when we first made that mistake. I hope to learn from the pain of heart ache, regret and of missing loved ones.
My Dad was a musician, a hair dresser, a salon owner and a dreamer. It’s ridiculous that I didn’t see how obviously influential he was in my life until the very end of his. I am not my Father and I am taking steps to learn from his mistakes and mine. I will write my own second act. But, I do see it now and I’m OK with the comparison. I’m a Dad, musician, hair dresser, salon owner and dreamer. I’m just like you, Dad. Thank you
So you see this New Years was a biggie. I actually wanted to slam the door off it’s hinges on 2011 and then blow it up. But, … it’s life. It was a huge year, good and bad. Transformative (if there was such a word). I wrote a new song which I hadn’t done in quite a while. Oh hey, I actually became a vegitarian a few months ago. Largely for the health benefits but for a lot of other reasons as well. I’m taking better care of myself, my kids and my business. I’ve already started on big plans for T’eez this year and beyond. I’d go so far to say the biggest agenda I’ve ever had. You will hear more on all of this.
The dreams live on.
I wish you all a Happy and Prosperous Year.
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